Phil McGroin and Camera Man

I just looked at what other people had been doing. Didn't know there's two sorts of RP. Everything just looks like one kind with no show titles on theirs. Or am I missing something here? I was under the impression that you ask for RPs and we do them within the allotted time frame.

Last edited by Ninjak_XO (Fri-10-Mar-2017 23:58:04)

My RPs will just be for the sake of it when needed. They're going to follow a pattern where Phil McGroin and Camera Man, the professional camera man, record promos and shit.

I like Phil McGroin's flaws. He is pig headed, obnoxious, can't see past his own nose but in a comedic sense he is actually kind of endearing. The use of the cameraman as the viewpoint of McGroin's world in both a literal sense in the context of the story and a metaphorical sense through his perspective and opinions on McGroin's actions is refreshing.

I would like to know more about Phil McGroin, like aspects of his personal life, or some life history, and I'm hoping to see more from that aspect in coming RPs.

Phil McGroin and Camera Man Go Shopping

Today started as you'd expect. I woke up, sneezed because of this damn hayfever, that bastard heard it and screamed at me about what that noise was that he'd heard, I blamed it on that stupid old cow of his that had been stood outside my window all night just staring at me, he came running downstairs to check and because she was in the vicinity of my room he brought it and calmed down. That's right, his stupid old cow can sneeze but if I do it he loses his shit. It's going to be one of those days.

Phil told me that he needed to go shopping today. Relieved, I sat down at the kitchen table as I wrongly assumed that that meant I'd have some time off this morning. He never wants me to go shopping with him. This is seriously becoming more than a full time job at this point. And that twat couldn't just tell me to come along – he waits until I sit down and then pulls the chair out from under me to let me know that I'm not having this break. So we get in the car and now we're here, in good old Tesco.

CM: "Don't forget to pick up some milk."

PM: "Why do I want milk?"

CM: (mumbling) "because I want some to go with my coco-pops, dickhead."

PM: "What was that? I swear I've told you not to mumble before. We don't need milk. I want the home section anyway."

CM: "We need milk. You like milk in your coffee. Why are we going to the home section?"

PM: "We don't need milk. I have a cow you know. Have I told you about when we had a wrestling match? Good times. And I want the home section because I want a new chair... or a few. I'm not breaking any of my hand crafted chairs on that big bastards face."

He doesn't have hand crafted chairs. Well, they might be, but they weren't hand crafted by him. At least I don't think so. Who knows what he was doing before I basically became his well paid bitch. And they provide chairs at the arena. He knows this.

CM: "You have one cow that you never milk. Oh god, please say you haven't been milking her. Is that why my coffee has been tasting weird recently?"

PM: "True, she's too beautiful to milk. Couldn't milk something that I beat so easily. Heh."

Oh my god, I think he made a joke. Do I laugh?

PM: "So no, that's not why your coffee has been tasting funny recently."

Good. Wait, what? What is he doing to my coffee then? It's not like it's difficult to make. A few granules, some hot water and milk.

CM: "So my coffee...?"

PM: "Never mind that, look over there. Those look like some beauts. Yeah... never seen anything so stunning in my life. Those legs... I'll be dreaming about those for a while."

Yeah, he's pointing at some fold up chairs. Like kitchen stools.

PM: "Yeah, these will do nicely. Solidly build, some padding on the seat part that should come right off... These are perfect. Should be able to swing quite nicely. I need to test them."

Shit, he's looked at me when he said that. Tesco has security right? If I run, do I look like I'm stealing or will they see that a madman is chasing me with one of their kitchen stools?

Hey, what's this? A bunch of kids gathering around. Well, this is going to get messy, they're not going to stand a chance against him. I'm at least 4 times their size and I don't stand a chance. Maybe their numbers will help. Maybe they can help me. Sacrificed for the greater good. The greater good being my health. He's smiling... he's going to enjoy it. What's wrong with him? These poor children who are willing to put their lives at risk to save me.

PM: "...so adorable. I have fans Camera Man. Actual fans. They're like dwarfs, but I have fans! I'm so happy! Here little man, let me sign this chair for you."

CM: "Urm, Phil... I think you need to pay for that chair before you give it to a child. You don't want that kid getting a record for stealing at his age."

PM: "Stealing? This dwarf man isn't stealing, I'm giving it to him. It's not stealing if I give it. It's a present."

CM: "But it's not yours to give, sir. Also, not dwarfs. Children."

PM: "Of course they're dwarfs. Look at them. Fans... I have fans. You all remember when I bashed that fuckers face in with a chair and pinned him right? Glock didn't know what hit him."

And now people are looking at us. I'll be known as that guy in Tesco who was with that other guy in Tesco who thought swearing in front of children was perfectly acceptable because he would rather believe his fans are "adorable" dwarfs. He's so happy though, I think this is the first time I've seen him smile through happiness and not through some plot to wrap a chair around someone's face. It's quite nice.

No, no, no. Don't go thinking good things about him. He's your boss, not your friend. He's a jackass and it's bad enough that he draws me into his madness. I should correct him on that pinning comment.

PM: "FANS CAMERA MAN! I HAVE FANS HAHAHAHA! I TOLD YOU, BITCH. I FUCKING TOLD YOU!"

CM: "That you did. So, how many chairs do you want me to pick up whilst you sign these ki... dwarfs clothing? Five?"

PM: "At least. Fans... I'm loved. I have fans."

Five it is. And whilst he's distracted I'll go grab some milk. Maybe some new coffee. I should make my own all the time from now on.

PM: "I bet that dick, Glock, doesn't have fans. You all want to see me crush his face with these chairs dwarf people of Tesco?"

I'm guessing that collected "yeah" means that they're excited. Where are their parents anyway? He's now sat down telling them in detail about what he's going to do to Glock so it's time to slip away. He won't notice.

*2 minutes later*

Tesco Tanoy System: "Could Camera Man... seriously, that's his name? If you say so. Could Camera Man please come to Customer Service. Your friend Phil McG... really? What is with you guys and your names? I can't say that… Your friend Phil is with security awaiting your arrival."

What has he done now? Everyone will be looking at me now as I make my way there, camera in hand. I shouldn't go. No, I should. I'll never hear the end of it otherwise. He probably just got a bit enthusiastic at having some fans for once. As long as he didn't test out one of their chairs on them we'll be fine.

When I get to Customer Services that idiot is looking confused, but strangely not complaining about security holding onto his shoulder.

PM: "Camera Man, old buddy. There you are. *whispering ->* Did you know that those dwarfs were children? They give birth to children that are almost their full size. We need to keep an eye on them."

Security: "This man your friend, sir?"

CM: "More like I'm his carer."

Security: "I understand. If you wish to pay for those items, please do so now and leave, taking your friend with you. Or just leave them with Jess here and leave with your friend. You're lucky no one has called the police. His language in front of children is deplorable and I'm not sure he should be left alone at any time when outside his own home."

CM: "Don't worry, I'm with him most of the time. Well, all of the time really. I only slipped away for 2 minutes to go grab some milk."

PM: "Don't need milk. I'm not paying for that."

CM: "You're not paying for any of it anyway. You make me pay for it."

PM: "I have fans."

CM: "Yeah, I know."

He's so happy still that I can't help but smile. Knowing him though, there's an anger building up behind that happy face. I pay for the milk, the five chairs and everything else that he shoved in the trolley before the incident. Then follow the security guard as he escorts us off the premises. Truth be told, today could have been a lot worse. I almost feel sorry for Glock, these chairs are going to hurt once that padding is removed. They look like they have some real swing in them.

Today is a good day. It's been a nervy week after Glock appeared to get the better of Phil, but he's taking it pretty well all things considered. After the beat down he delivered it was a surprise to see Glock make it out to the ring and I still don't know what Phil thinks about me trying to help him out. I'd ask, but who knows what he'd do. That and I've barely seen him. And by barely, I mean not at all. You could say it's been a good week, apart from being on edge expecting Phil to appear having completely lost his shit about what happened.

Anyway, as I was saying, today is a good day. Today, I saw Phil for the first time in a week and he surprised me greatly. Let's take a step back a few hours. At 9am I had a bit of a sneezing fit. They're usually tough times since Phil takes that as me being diseased. I manged to hold almost all of them in, but the last one was too powerful. Actually blew me back a step. I was expecting some abuse, as I'd heard Phil walking about. Instead...

PM: Camera Man, old buddy, does one require a tissue to go with that disease?

Yep, he wasn't abusive.

CM: Err, yes please.

PM: Then go to the lavatory and blow your nose. Then meet me in the study.

Study? Has he been building a new room whilst I've been hiding out up here all week? And what is with the way he's talking?
I head downstairs after a quick trip to the bathroom and find that he's in the front room, which appears to no longer be his front room.

CM: What the fuck is going on here?

PM: I'll have none of that language in here, thank you very much. I've found God you see, and so I've converted my study into my place of worship.

Okay, just so everyone is up to speed. Phil has found God, doesn't want to swear anymore or want anyone else to, believes his front room is his study and converted said study into a place of worship. I couldn't help myself, I had to ask some rather important questions. Oh, and he’s grown a moustache for some reason.

CM: Sooo... where did you get the alter from? And the huge carving of Jesus? And the pews? And so many bibles? So many questions.

PM: All in good time my friend. All in good time. Here, take a seat. Let me read to you the words of our Lord and Saviour.

CM: Urm, I'm okay thanks. You didn't steal these things, did you?

PM: How very date you. I made a very sizable donation for these. Is it really so hard to believe that I found God? I'm so much happier now. I'm care free. I'm a new man. I've ordained myself and you, Camera Man, are the first of my flock. Shhhh, you don't need to say anything. The honour is all mine. Come, kneel with me in front of our Lord.

Since I don't have a choice, I go and kneel with him. I wave my camera about and ask him whether he wants to shoot a promo sometime since it's been a while since I've filmed anything for him.

PM: Maybe later. That cunt doesn't matter to me anymore.

CM: Wait, what?

PM: What?

CM: Did you just say cu-

PM: No, I most certainly did not! You insult me. And you insult Jesus. I've committed to never swearing again just like I'll never be violent again. Think yourself lucky that I no longer believe that violence is the answer. How dare you insult me so! Be gone! Leave me to pray.

So I left. It's a weird day, but it's good. A new side of Phil. I like it.

Nah, who am I kidding. I hate it. I want my Phil back. Yeah, he was abusive, but man was he charismatic. My camera doesn't want to film that shit back there. It deserves to film Phil going apeshit.

It's weird watching him now. He's walking around in just a robe with sandals, arms up the other arms sleeve like he's some kind of monk. And what the hell is he doing now? He's in the garden, spinning around with his arms spread, with birds landing on him like he's Julie fucking Andrews.

I'd go smack some sense into him, but I don't fancy being beaten down. I'm getting paid to do nothing at the moment. I might have a peaceful life ahead of me. Nah, I won't go smack some sense into him. Let's just enjoy this time.

Just before I'm ready to settle down for the night, Phil calls up to me and says that he's finally ready to film a promo. Finally, my camera will see some action. It's been too long.

I set it all up so that it's filming Phil sat near the altar in his "study" and give him the thumbs up to let him know that it's recording.

PM: Hello friends. For those that don't know me, my name is Phil McGroin. Once I would have told you about how I tapped out a cow. Once I would have told you about the fisticuffs I threw down with fellow members of 4CW. But I'm not that person anymore. Violence is not the answer. I can see that now. For too long I have taken my anger out of other people, and for that I am terribly sorry. I don't ask for your forgiveness though. I only ask that our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, will forgive me for my sins.

PM: I appear to have angered the one that goes by the name Glock Nine. For that, I am sorry. And I ask for your forgiveness.

CM: Didn't you just say you only ask for Jesus's forgiveness?

PM: Camera Man please! Do not interrupt me when I'm speaking you fuc- calm. Calm. I am calm. Breath. There you go. Calm.

PM: Now where was I before my good friend, Camera Man, made a very valid point. Oh yes, whilst I ask for the forgiveness of Jesus, I also ask for the forgiveness of the one named Glock Nine for I have wronged him. It was a mistake to have missed him out. We appear to have had a misunderstanding somewhere since he keeps attacking me for no reason, despite one never having laid so much as a finger on him.

Won't question that one. Has he finished? He’s just sat there with his eyes shut and doesn't appear to be continuing. Maybe he’s fallen asleep. Think I’ll just press stop and leave.

PM: Ah, Camera Man, my buddy. Could you come in here please? I feel the need to talk to someone.

He feels the need to talk to someone? He's usually happy talking to himself. I'd best grab my camera though.

CM: I'm here. What's up? Are you crying?

Do I put the camera away? I mean, I'm a professional. Nothing stops me recording, and he did want me recording everything. And I mean everything. I had to put my foot down on refusing to record ass wiping techniques. Or ass wiping of any kind. I basically refuse to allow my camera to go into the bathroom. No one wants or needs to see that.

PM: Put the camera away for a bit, will you? I just want to talk to someone without any distractions.

This is more serious that I thought. The temptation to secretly record is unreal, but it’s looking like I forgot to charge the battery again so it doesn’t really matter.

PM: Camera Man, buddy. You know I’m a ladies man. I mean, there’s been many. Loads. I’ve lost count.

There’s been two. There could have been more, but they bail when he insists I hang around to keep recording.

PM: I’ve finally found someone Camera Man. She’s not as good looking as those hundreds I don’t even remember the names off, but she’s perfect. She loves Star Wars. I dream of her every night. When she smiles at me it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve seen. I want to talk to her all day every day. And that’s before I even get to the filthy thought like wanting her to s—

CM: okay, I get the picture. I don’t get why you’re crying though.

PM: You calling me a pussy? No one calls me a fucking pussy!

CM: I’m not calling you anything. I learned my lesson well enough the last time I called you something.

PM: If she doesn’t like me back, I’ll be devastated. What do I do buddy? I can’t deal with rejection on this one. What if I can’t win her over with my natural charm? What if she’s one of the few people in the world who doesn’t find me attractive? I want her. I need her in my life. I can’t tell her that I want something more, as if she doesn’t then things get awkward. I’d miss our talks. I’d miss seeing her smile at me. I can’t tell her and it’s driving me insane. You strike out a lot, tell me what I should do.

CM: Urm, well, I don’t strike out a lot to start with. As to your problem, it’s a tough one to be honest. I can’t say I have any experience with something like this.

PM: There’s a surprise. *muttering*

CM: I’ll ignore that. Look, I don’t know what you should do. If it was me, I’d be the same as you. Too scared to say anything in case it ruins what could be a good friendship and losing all hope of something more. But I’d also want to know if she liked me back and have that relationship. This is why it’s tough having feelings for people. Best to just lock them away and get lost in a profession. Like being a camera man. You made it my full time job and I have no time to worry about things like women.

PM: Gay.

Well that’s the end of that conversation. Time to leave him to his moping whilst I go find something that I can actually film. I'm thinking some nice scenery pieces showing how nice the farm can look. I heard him say earlier on that his sister was coming to stay for a week, so I need to make sure I'm looking professional and not get caught up in his shenanigans. If the pictures he's shown me really are of her, then dayum! The next week should be fun, so long as Phil stop moping around and caring about feelings.

Police cells suck. Absolutely fucking suck. A few hours ago, the police came knocking on Phil's Farm House looking for Phil. And that complete prick denied who he was and then pointed at me. He even showed them a fake ID that said his name was Camera Man and he had the balls to wink at me as he showed them it.

Policeman: You do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence.

Handcuffs go on. I struggle as they've clearly got the wrong man and Phil is pissing me off as he just sits there watching like it's the evening's entertainment and before you know it I'm on the floor with a cop sat on top of me calling for backup as I'm "resisting arrest".

Too right I'm resisting arrest. I've done nothing wrong. Arrested for assault though and my reaction probably isn't helping my cause. Now I'm sat in a small grey cell waiting to be interviewed, where they will once again refuse to believe who I am because somehow Phil has this all worked out.

I eventually get released on bail. I storm into the Farm House demanding what the fuck Phil did this time.

PM: I just slapped a cashier around a bit. He coughed. I really don't know what else you expected me to do. And I can't go to jail. I'm too important.

CM: Doesn't explain why they thought it was me! Apart from you pointing at me!

PM: Ah, let me explain. It was cold outside, and as you're a pussy, your coat is considerably thicker than mine is and has an awesome hood that protects your ears from the wind. So, I borrowed it. I also know that you're a professional and wouldn't want to miss out on my shopping, so I left you sleeping and took your camera. Naturally I made sure not to get my face in any shot, I'm not that vein that I need to have my face recorded.

CM: You're such a prick. And there's no way that fake ID was good enough to fool a cop.

PM: True, but that was my brother, Oman. Thinks he's better than us because he joined the police. Well he isn't. I can still kick his ass.

CM: You have a brother? Called Oman?

PM: Yeah… I swear I've mentioned him before.

CM: You really haven't. Oman? Your brother is called Oman McGroin?

PM: Yeah… I don't understand why this is difficult for you to understand.

CM: Oman McGroin doesn't sound weird to you?!

PM: No. Why? Should it? It's a good strong name.

CM: Wow, your parents must have hated the both of you.

PM: Three of us. Don't forget my sister. Now she got a bad name. Doesn't go with McGroin at all and is such a sexual innuendo. Rebecca. Ha, poor girl. Imagine growing up being called Rebecca McGroin. Funny.

Is he fucking serious?! No, no time to worry about that right now, or that he clearly doesn’t know what a sexual innuendo is. I'm still pissed.

CM: Never mind that, let's get back to the whole getting me locked up for the night.

PM: Ah, now that was funny.

CM: No, it really wasn't. My God are you infuriating!

PM: Camera Man, Camera Man, Camera Man. Buddy. I'm not going to lie. No one cares about your problems.

Take deep breath. Take a deep breath. Just go to your room and stay there.

PM: Where you going? You're not recording any of this? What exactly am I paying you for?

You're a professional. Just walk away. Walk away.

PM: Oi, fuckface. Get your camera and come record me berate you.

CM: I can't. I feel like I might have a cold coming on.

PM: Get the fuck out of here. You don't come out of your room till you feel better, you hear me! Fuck off!

Ends one problem. Now to take a few days to myself to plot some form of revenge.

So, I really enjoyed this. I wasn't necessarily expecting a follow-up to the End of Year Awards Show bit with McGroin's naked antics, but I'm quite glad you did. These guys are always good for a laugh, and this RP in particular hit all the right marks for me. Camera Man's unyielding exasperation and disbelief of the man he's gotten himself associated with is entertaining and believable. Anyone with this guy's job would be plucking out their nose hairs in agony at this point, but onward he soldiers. Camera Man's internal monologues are gold. McGroin, well... he's perpetually self-deluded, vainglorious and unpleasant. A two-legged bull that lives in a china shop. So... yeah! Stream-of-conscience review, here, obviously. In short: this is fun, believable cringe comedy and I get quite a kick out of it.

Last edited by Pilgrim Paige (Sun-31-Dec-2017 01:36:14)

Camera Man: Hey Phil, how's it hanging man?

Phil McGroin: Don't talk to me peasant.

He's been miserable all week. Starting to piss me off. I'd slap him but he'd beat me stupid.

Camera Man: Are you going to be in this mood all the time now? If your fans watch this they're going to think there's something wrong with you.

They know there's something wrong with him.

Phil McGroin: I'm pissed because I have to beat three people soon. Three? How am I meant to pin three people?

Camera Man: I'm not sure that's how the match works... you just pin on person.

Phil McGroin: Three times?! What the fuck!

Camera Man: One person, one time. Just pick a guy and ignore the other two.

Phil McGroin: Pick a guy? What kind of stupid help is that? If you can't come up with something sensible don't fucking talk to me.

Not a problem Phil. Really not a problem.

Phil McGroin: I want that title shot so bad. I deserve it. What has anyone else in the match actually done? Certainly nothing at my level. Fucking peasants. I'll beat them all. It's time that everyone learnt just how fucking epic I am. Don't you think so Camera Man?

Camera Man: Sure. Why not. Why don't you start the match by calling them all fucking peasants?

Phil McGroin: Now that's a plan. Put them all in their place from the start. I like it. I knew I could rely on you, buddy.  Yeah, this is going to be my moment to shine. Where I destroy everyone. Not even the fans will be safe. Well, my fans will be safe. I love my fans. Everyone else's fans though, well that's a different matter entirely.

Awesome, he's planning on taking out fans as well. Just when I thought things couldn't get more interesting. I'll have to make sure that I fully charge the camera for that. Would not want to miss it.

Phil McGroin: You can go now Camera Man. Go prepare yourself to be amazed by my awesomeness.

I really like the chemistry between McGroin and Camera Man, and I really like Camera Man's inner monologue, as I've said before. He keeps this very interesting even when there's not much going on. I love how Camera Man is like completely sarcastic, sometimes out loud, but McGroin doesn't even notice cos he's so far up his own ass.

One suggestion for improvement: Give us more description about what's going on. Most of the RP is just person talks, some inner monologue, person talks, inner monologue - but like, where are they? What's going on? Is Camera Man sitting down eating toast, is he by the toaster, has he ran through the corridor stark naked with toast in his hands and covering his balls? Point is, any of those could be true cos you never really told us what's happening, only what they are saying.

You have the characters down to a T though, they are pretty fleshed out and a great double act. Keep up the good work.

Thanks for the reviews guys. I need to get back to doing what I was doing originally where Camera Man explained in his head what he was doing, which you will see in the next one, which I'm just finishing off now.

I've had a peaceful few days. Phil had us stay at the arena for a few days waiting for some poor wrestler to walk into a chair shot. I ordered pizza and had to give the guy a pretty big tip not to call the police after Phil almost caved his head in. Eventually the police turned up anyway because we were "trespassing". Sadly for Phil, this wasn't the first time he's tried something like this so it's yet another trespassing charge, which means he's kept in longer than I am. That and my video evidence went a good way to showing that he wouldn't let me leave.

I say had a peaceful few days, because this morning he came home. He's oddly happy as he walks into the kitchen to greet me.

Phil McGroin: I met another fan, Camera Man. Turns out the police officer that I met this morning loves me work. Let me off with another caution.

Camera Man: Cool, bu...

Phil McGroin: And where the fuck were you to record it?! What do I pay you for? I met a fan, Camera Man. A fan! You're meant to be there for them. You're lucky it's put me in a good mood. Look at this smile. LOOK AT IT!

Yeah, this is Phil in a good mood these days. I suppose it's time to make him happier.

Camera Man: Your delivery arrived by the way. I'm assuming that it's your order of 200 foldable chairs?

Phil McGroin: Yes! Best day ever!

Camera Man: What are you going to do with all those chairs?

Phil McGroin: Smash people in the face of course. Ah, that thought makes me so happy. Today really is a good day. I'm gonna go play with them.

And off he runs, like an excited little child. If I was a parent and Phil was my son (*shudder*) I'd be off my seat following him to record this proud moment in his life. As it is, I don't give a shit. So long as none of those chairs come into contact with my head, I'm fine.

And that sounds like something breaking. Marvelous. I'd care, but I don't. Just let him get it out of his system.

Now that I've finished my morning cup of tea though, I suppose I should go and get my razor from my room and go have a shave. I reckon I have at least another day on my own whilst he's off playing with his new chairs. I wonder what he's broken though. And that's when I reach the top of the stairs and notice that my bedroom door isn't closed anymore. I definitely closed it this morning. Definitely. Sigh, he's in my room smashing shit up isn't he?

Phil McGroin: Camera Man, buddy. That you? Come in here quick. Look what I did to your bed. This chair might earn itself a stop in the chair hall of fame! Smashed that shit right up and there's barely a dent!

God I fucking hate him.